Update on our life

It has been a long time since I posted last. I have been struggling with my own personal depression which has been brought on by our infertility treatment. All I have ever wanted is to have a big family, be a Mom and stay home with my kids, (I kow it is cheesy). Life has a way of making its own path.

We have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now, and I have been on the fertility medications for about 15 months. It has been a long hard trying battle. We didn't have any problems getting Benjamin here so I never dreamed it would be this hard to have a second one. The fertility medications make me feel horriable and mean, thye give me hot flashes and tremendous mood swings, and made me gain 30 pounds for nothing. I turn into "monster Mom", then evey 28 days I end up taking another pregnancy test that turns out to be negative and the cycle starts again. Ultrasounds, Dr visists and procedures (which have all proven to be useless).

After visiting another fertility specialist (I think the 4th one) we were told we had a 1 in a million chance of having our own baby and the only way to get another baby is to try in-vitro. That crashed my hopes and I was devastated. I don't have the $15, 000 to try that out and then that is not a guarntee that anything would work. I know I am very lucky to have my own family, I love Wes and Benjamin more than anything, I just feel like we need at least one more angel in our family to make it complete, so we have started to look into other options like adoption, and foster care. We decided to become foster parents and see where that takes us.

Through all of this I just need reminders to be gratefull for what I have. I have a wonderful toddler that is the smartest boy ever, he knows his colors, numbers, letters and is starting to write his name. I know I am a very proud mom. I cherish the time I get to spend with him and have cut my hours at work to be home with him more.

This morning when I was leaving for work he told me "mommy stay home with me, no go to work" and started crying when I said I had to leave. It broke my heart. I ended up going to work late and made him breakfast and we snuggled on the couch watching "little einsteins". I need little reminders like that to make me aware of how good my life is now with this little angel, hopefully we will add some more little ones to our family. Right now I am glad to be taking a break from all the fertility stuff and trying to get back into a "normal Mom" not "monster Mom".